Futurama spec script - The Ballad of Bender Bobby
by RevolutionMan
Summary: When Bender accidentally gets Mom killed at a NASCAR race, he vows to change his reckless ways. Meanwhile, Walt takes over MomCorp and vows to be even more diabolical and evil than Mom... There's a lot of vowing.
1. Chapter 1

INT. PLANET EXPRESS MEETING ROOM - DAY

CU on Farnsworth entering.

**FARNSWORTH**  
**Good news, everyone!**

Pull back to reveal... he's alone.

**FARNSWORTH**  
**Everyone? Oh, god, I've been left behind!**

A banner flies down from the ceiling that reads "Crotchety Old Boss Appreciation Day". Confetti and streamers explode from everywhere. Celebratory music blasts! The whole crew appear out of hiding and scream:

**PLANET EXPRESS CREW**  
**Surprise!**

**FARNSWORTH**  
**Oh, god!**

Farnsworth grabs his heart and keels over.

INT. FUNERAL HOME

Farnsworth's corpse is in the casket. Amy sobs. Zoidberg sobs. Fry has his arm around Leela, who looks down at a pad of paper in her hands.

CU on pad: Ideas for Crotchety Old Boss Appreciation Day

Pull back to:

INT. PLANET EXPRESS MEETING ROOM - DAY

The crew sits around the table. Leela ponders the same pad of paper. She crosses out the top line.

**LEELA**  
**Maybe a surprise party isn't such a good idea.**

**BENDER**  
**Why not?**

Leela sees Bender wearing a party hat and holding a shovel.

OPENING CREDITS. Caption: Directed by JJ Abrams' Head

INT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP

Everyone wears ostentatious golfing attire. The Crotchety Old Boss Appreciation Day banner hangs over head.

**FARNSWORTH**  
**It isn't often I get a chance to wear my walking formals anymore ever since my hip, ankle, foot, and knee replacement surgeries last month. It's very exciting.**

**LEELA**  
**Not too exciting, I hope. Bender!**

Bender pulls defibrillator paddles out from his chest and stalks Farnsworth.

**BENDER**  
**On it. Clear!**

Hermes intervenes. He's holding a medical tricorder.

**HERMES**  
**Back off, ya zap happy rE-MT. His vitals are steady. See?**

Hermes shows Bender the tricorder, which monitors the Professor's heart rate at 3 beats per minute.

**BENDER**  
**Aw... But I'm bored. This whole day is gonna be so boring! I just wanna shock somebody! Hey, Zoidberg?**

**ZOIDBERG**  
**Yello?**

Bender shocks Zoidberg, who gets sent flying to parts of the ship unknown.

**ZOIDBERG**  
**YOOOOooooooo!**

**LEELA**  
**That's the point, Bender. We can't do anything that's going to be too fun and exciting, or it'll be too much for the Professor to handle. That's why we picked the longest, most mind-numbing, repetitive sporting event we could possibly think of.**

EXT. NASCAR STADIUM PARKING LOT - DAY

The ship parks. A sign outside the stadium reads National Association for Stock Car Autobot Racing.

EXT. RACETRACK

The bleachers are full of space rednecks and redneckbots. KEN SQUIER'S HEAD on commentary.

**KEN SQUIER'S HEAD (V.O.)**  
**Ken Squier's Head here at the beautiful Talladega Supersonic Speedway for the Slurm 500, what promises to be a fantastic competition, where speed, speed, speed is everything in this six hour long race to the finish line.**

INT. COMMENTATOR'S BOOTH

Ken Squier's head sits next to Megatron.

**KEN SQUIER'S HEAD**  
**Alongside me is my good friend Megatron. Megatron, I guess you'd pretty much have to call Optimus Earnhardt Jr., sitting in the poll position, the favorite to win today.**

**MEGATRON**  
**Prime may win this battle, but the Decepticons shall win the war and rule Cybertron!**

**KEN SQUIER'S HEAD**  
**Fantastic. Now, let's go to the starting line, where we're ready to get started.**

EXT. RACETRACK - DAY

At the starting line, a bunch of autobots, led by Optimus, transform into racecars and...

**OPTIMUS EARNHARDT JR.**  
**Autobots, roll out!**

The crew watches the spectacle from the stands. The crowd is predominantly space rednecks.

**FARNSWORTH**  
**Mmmm... it's good to take in the fresh air.**

Amy, who is seated next to Farnsworth, presses an oxygen mask over his face. He pushes her away.

**FARNSWORTH**  
**Stop coddling me! All of you. I may be old, but I'm not dead yet...**

Hermes reads the tricorder, then motions with his hand to indicate it's borderline.

**FARNSWORTH**  
**I still want to live my life. It makes me so angry when you people treat me like a child.**

Amy pulls out an adult-sized diaper.

**AMY**  
**He's sounding pretty grumpy. I'd better change him.**

**FARNSWORTH**  
**I don't need a change!**

The Professor grumbled, folds his arms, and sits back.

**FARNSWORTH**  
**Now, I do.**

**FRY**  
**So, there aren't any human drivers in those cars?**

**LEELA**  
**They stopped using human drivers in the late 21st century, when all the drivers went on strike because they were the only ones in the stadiums who couldn't get drunk during the race.**

A few rows closer, drunk rednecks argue.

**DRUNK REDNECK 1**  
**She gonna pass him.**

**DRUNK REDNECK 2**  
**No, she ain't.**

**DRUNK REDNECK 1**  
**Yea, she is. She gonna do it!**

A little further down, we see a pregnant redneck pop out a baby right there in her seat. She props the baby up on one knee and puts an Earnhardt hat on it. The baby cheers.

**DRUNK REDNECK 1**  
**She did it!**

**DRUNK REDNECK 2**  
**Aw, this here 's why I hate havin' woman folk in NASCAR.**

**BENDER**  
**Uuugh. I am so bored. All they're doing is driving around in circles over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...**

**FRY**  
**Uh oh, I hate it when he gets stuck in an infinite loop.**

**BENDER**  
**I'm not the one stuck in a loop. They are.**

Bender points to the track. During one loop of the racetrack, we see Bumblebee Lagano and Socketwrench Stewart race side by side with robot arms from each vehicle beating on each other.

**KEN SQUIER'S HEAD (V.O.)**  
**Oh, and it looks like a fight has broken out between Stewart and Lagano. We wondered how many seconds those two would last before coming to blows.**

INT. COMMENTATOR'S BOOTH

**MEGATRON**  
**Yes, good. Fight amongst yourselves. It will be that much easier to destroy you all!**

**KEN SQUIER'S HEAD**  
**Of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't take one minute out of the next six hours to mention that today is Crotchety Old Boss Appreciation Day.**

Starscream approaches Megatron in the announcer's booth with a wrapped present.

**STARSCREAM**  
**Lord Megatron, Happy Crotchety Old Boss Appreciation Day.**

Megatron unwraps the gift. It's Michael Bay's Head. Megatron, displeased with the gift, throws Michael Bay's head against a nearby wall. It explodes ten times.

EXT. RACETRACK

In the crowd sits Mom with her sons; Igner, Larry, and Walt.

**KEN SQUIER'S HEAD (V.O.)**  
**And it seems we've got a celebrity sighting in the crowd; billionaire industrialist and all around babe, Mom.**

Mom stands and waves to the adoring crowd, who see her on the jumbotron.

**IGNER**  
**All these people are cheering for you, Mommy.**

**MOM**  
**Buncha toothless, chromosome deficient, inbred hicks.**

**WALT**  
**And all of them, cheering for you. Oh, it must be such a thrill.**

**LARRY**  
**One day, they'll cheer for you like that, Walt. When you're running the company. Then, you'll be a celebrity, and get to go to big sporting events so they can put you on the big screen to be loved and admired.**

**MOM**  
**Walt? Ha! Don't make me sick to my ass. I'd blow the company to hell before I left it to Walt to screw it all up.**

**WALT**  
**But-but, I thought...**

**MOM**  
**In fact, remind me, first thing I'm gonna do when we leave this festering pustule is swing by my lawyers' office and have my will changed to literally have every building, robot, and employee in the company blown to hell when I die. Stick that day on your calendar and "appreciate" it.**

Bender sees Mom on the jumbotron. She looks pissed.

**BENDER**  
**(gasps) It's Mom. She's here. She's really here. Oh, and she looks as bored as I am. How could any merciful god in heaven allow such a travesty of the senses as Nascar to exist?**

**FRY**  
**These things only ever get interesting when there's a crash.**

**BENDER**  
**You're right. Hey, Zoidberg!**

**ZOIDBERG**  
**Yes?**

Bender pulls out the defibrillator paddles again and zaps Zoidberg, who is propelled from the crowd into the middle of the track. He scuttles around in terror, loses his ink, and starts a massive pileup as the drivers skid on the mess.

**KEN SQUIER'S HEAD (V.O.)**  
**What's this? It appears a fan has run out onto the track. Has he lost his mind? Oh, and it's a horrible wreck!**

Optimus Earnhardt Jr. careens into the front row of the crowd to where Mom is seated with Igner, Larry, and Walt.

**MOM**  
**Holy crab crap!**

Optimus Earnhardt Jr. transforms into his robot form, badly damaged. Mom's body is crushed beneath him.

**LARRY**  
**Nooo!**

**IGNER**  
**Mommy!**

**WALT**  
**Mother, mother can you hear me? Are you all right?**

**MOM**  
**Boys? Boys? Are you there?**

**WALT**  
**We're here, mother.**

**MOM**  
**Come... closer...**

They move close.

**MOM**  
**It should've been you.**

She dies.

**LARRY**  
**Nooo!**

Bumblebee Lagano and Rusty Rusty Wallace race to the side of Optimus Earnhardt Jr.

**RUSTY RUSTY WALLACE**  
**I fear the wounds are... fatal.**

**OPTIMUS EARNHARDT JR.**  
**Do not grieve. Soon I shall be one with the matrix.**

Optimus dies.

**LARRY**  
**Nooo!**

**WALT**  
**Quick, is there a doctor in the stadium?**

**ZOIDBERG**  
**I'm a doctor!**

Zoidberg examines Mom's remains.

**ZOIDBERG**  
**Hm.**

Zoidberg chops her head off at the neck and hands it to Igner.

**ZOIDBERG**  
**You might want to get that in a jar.**

**IGNER**  
**Eeeeeehhhhhhh... Eeehhhhhheeeheeeh!**

Megatron runs in and pulls an energon cube from Optimus' chest.

**MEGATRON**  
**The power of the all spark shall be mine!**

Megatron transforms into a menacing jet and flies away.

INT. CHURCH FUNERAL

Thousands of robots weep oil. The crew mourns from their seats. In front, a maniacal headshot of Mom stands next to a closed coffin.

**LEELA**  
**I really thought we could get through one Crotchety Old Boss Appreciation Day without having to go to a funeral. Just one.**

**FRY**  
**I really thought I could eat just one Lay's potato chip. Just when you think you've got everything in life figured out – BAM! Optimus dies.**

Amy notices Bender shaking and looking around.

**AMY**  
**Wow, Bender, you're really shaken up, aren't you?**

**HERMES**  
**He's the one who killed her.**

**BENDER**  
**Shhhhh. Not so loud. Everyone here loves Mom. If they find out I'm the one who got her killed, I'll be the most hated robot on the planet, in the whole galaxy even. I don't want to end up like Zoidberg.**

He points to a sign hanging next to the portrait of Mom. It's a giant wanted poster with Zoidberg's picture that says: WANTED – DEAD OR DESTROYED

**BENDER**  
**And all because I was bored. All because I couldn't find a way to be content with just sitting back and relaxing with some slow, uneventful, mind-numbing Nascar. Well, that does it. From now on, it's the slow-paced life for me. The more boring the better.**

**FRY**  
**Well, we're in a church. You're off to a pretty good start.**

Organ music plays. Preacherbot approaches the casket.

**PREACHERBOT**  
**Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, we know major Tom's a junky. Thank you all for coming on this most solemn occasion. I'd like to invite up Mom's oldest son, Walt, to deliver the eulogy.**

In the front row sits Walt and Larry. Larry looks for Igner.

**LARRY**  
**Where's Igner?**

Walt shrugs, smiles, approaches the casket.

**WALT**  
**What can one say about Mom? She was ruthless, conniving, without a single shred of compassion or remorse in her leathery old body. Many of you robots are here because you were programmed to feel sad upon her passing, since she knew no one would come to her funeral otherwise, except perhaps to spit on her wrinkled, jagged corpse.**

Robots cry louder.

**WALT**  
**And yet, we loved her, because she represented everything in life we all want to be; rich and feared. I can only hope that, one day, you all will fear me as much you feared her... as the new head of MomCorp.**

Walt pulls out from under the podium a wig made to look like Mom's hair and puts it on. He lets loose an evil cackle, just like Mom!

Everyone in the crew looks mortified. Amy pulls out an adult diaper.

**FARNSWORTH**  
**I don't need a change!**

**AMY**  
**Well, someone does.**

Hermes sheepishly takes the diaper from Amy.


	2. Chapter 2

INT. LABORATORY – DAY

While working on his latest invention, something that looks like a Borg cube, Professor Farnsworth reaches for a nearby screwdriver. Amy snatches it up before he can grab it.

**AMY**  
**I can do it, Professor. Just tell me what you need tightened. I can't make heads or tails of what this thing even is.**

**FARNSWORTH**  
**I don't need you to do it. I can do it myself.**

**AMY**  
**Aw, of course you can. But let me do it.**

**FARNSWORTH**  
**Fine. There and there. Then move that plate to there. And attach that arm here.**

While Amy works, Farnsworth reaches for his lunch; a nice steak. Hermes grabs it before he can.

**HERMES**  
**Here, Professor. Why don't you let me chew that up for you?**

Hermes chews it and then spits the chum back onto the plate.

**FARNSWORTH**  
**Dammit, I have teeth. They aren't my teeth, but I have them.**

Farnsworth sniffles, then pulls out a handkerchief from his jacket pocket. Before he can move it to his nose, Scruffy steps in from behind him with a different handkerchief and places it against the Professor's nose.

**SCRUFFY**  
**Blow.**

The doorbell rings.

**FARNSWORTH**  
**I'll get it.**

**HERMES**  
**Do you want me to g-**

**FARNSWORTH**  
**No, I don't want you to get it! Anything to get away from you people for five seconds.**

INT. PLANET EXPRESS FRONT DOOR

Farnsworth approaches the front door, but Leela races to get it first.

**LEELA**  
**I'll get it. Don't worry, Professor. Why don't you go take a nap.**

**FARNSWORTH**  
**You go take a nap.**

Farnsworth pulls a laser shotgun on her.

**LEELA**  
**Professor, what are you...**

**FARNSWORTH**  
**That is my door.**

The doorbell rings again.

**FARNSWORTH**  
**And that is my doorbell. And this is my building and my shotgun pointed at your face. And whomever is at the door is most likely here to see me. Now, back away so I can see who it is.**

Leela calmly backs away from the door. Satisfied, Farnsworth puts the gun back in his jacket and opens the door. Behind it is a crazed mob of hundreds of angry robots carrying torches. He slams the door shut.

**FARNSWORTH**  
**Um... it's for you.**

He runs and hides behind the umbrella stand.

Leela opens the door.

**KILLERBOT 1**  
**Is Dr. Zoidberg here?**

**LEELA**  
**No, sorry, he didn't come to work today.**

**KILLERBOT 1**  
**Oh. We were just asking because we were gonna kill him and then eat him.**

**LEELA**  
**Why would you eat him? You're robots. You don't need food.**

**KILLERBOT 5**  
**The eating him part is really a secondary objective to the murdering him part.**

**LEELA**  
**There's a hole in your story is all I'm saying.**

**KILLERBOT 1**  
**If you see him, could you give him our card and tell him to call us?**

Killerbot 1 hands Leela a business card with a photoshopped picture of Zoidberg's dead body roasting on a spit. The text over it reads "You're Gonna Die". On the flip side is their phone number "555-BADLY".

**LEELA**  
**I'll be sure to let him know you're looking for him.**

**KILLERBOT 1**  
**Thanks, hun. Okay, everyone, let's try the next one over.**

**KILLERBOT 5**  
**She was sweet.**

She closes the door.

**LEELA**  
**Where is Zoidberg, anyway? I haven't seen him in days.**

**FARNSWORTH**  
**With all the robots out to kill him, I sent him somewhere no one will ever notice him or pay him any attention.**

INT. FAMILY GUY LIVING ROOM

Zoidberg's dressed in Meg's clothes. He looks at the camera.

**ZOIDBERG**  
**I'm Meg now.**

INT. PLANET EXPRESS LIVING AREA – DAY

Bender, wearing an old lady's robe, peers out the window at the angry mob of robots. He fights back tears and slinks over to the couch, where he knits a sweater and periodically pets a softly cooing Nibbler.

Farnsworth and Leela enter.

**LEELA**  
**Where are you going, Professor? Can I help you get something?**

Farnsworth pulls the gun on her again.

**FARNSWORTH**  
**I'm going to the bathroom. You want to hold it for me?**

**LEELA**  
**Or I could just stay here.**

**BENDER**  
**Shh, you two, I'm trying to watch the news.**

The Professor leaves for the bathroom.

**LEELA**  
**The news? It's the middle of the day and you're not watching ultra-porn? You're really taking Mom's death hard, aren't you?**

ON THE TELEVISION: Morbo interviews Hattie McDoogal inside her home. She holds her cat in her lap. A title card at the bottom of the screen reads "Help Me, Morbo".

**HATTIE**  
**So, I open up the can and inside is this dead mouse. I complained to the who's his name at the five and ten, but he said I need to take it up with the manufacturer, MomCorp. Help me, Moron.**

**MORBO**  
**For the last time, ma'am, my name is Morbo. Get it wrong again and I will destroy you.**

ON THE COUCH:

**BENDER**  
**Look at that, a dead animal in the cat's food. But is any angry robot mob out to destroy MomCorp? No justice for the little guy.**

**LEELA**  
**Since when do you care about the little guy?**

Fry crashes through the window on a hoverboard. He picks himself up and plops down on the couch.

**FRY**  
**Did I miss any All My Circuits? Did they reveal who killed Calculon Jr. the Seventh?**

**BENDER**  
**Fry, you ignorant slut, how can you be so reckless? You could have gotten yourself killed, or worse, someone else. You need to slow down and be more careful.**

**FRY**  
**Why do I have to be careful? I'm not old.**

Fry reaches down into the fridge that's built into the couch. He pulls out the last can of Slurm from what once was a six pack. He opens the can by ripping the pop top off with his teeth. He also removes the six plastic rings and throws it on the ground for Nibbler.

**FRY**  
**There you go, boy. New toy for you.**

Nibbler immediately grabs the plastic rings to play and gets his neck caught. He chokes and gasps for air.

**LEELA**  
**Bender has a point, Fry.**

**FRY**  
**I know. It's on top of his head. We can all see it.**

**LEELA**  
**No, you jackass. I mean about being careful. Suppose the Professor was standing by that window, yelling at the kids from across the street to get off his lawn, or some other cliché old person thing. Didn't you learn anything from the track?**

**FRY**  
**Of course, I did. I learned that life is short, so you should live it to the fullest while you still can.**

Fry settles into the couch, burps from the soda, and puts his feet up on the coffee table.

**FRY**  
**Hey, what gives? This isn't All My Circuits.**

ON THE TELEVISION: A "Breaking News" titlecard cuts in. Linda reports with Walt's head superimposed to her left.

**LINDA**  
**We interrupt the news to bring you this breaking news. Another day, another hostile takeover by MomCorp, who today tightened its stranglehold on the doggy diaper industry by buying up "Little Dumpers, Inc.".**

NEWS VIDEO: Former employees of Little Dumpers cry as the store is bulldozed. The giant diaper wearing puppy on top of the building crashes so that its hind leg is up in the air. Exposed pipes shoot water from under the dog's leg onto the former employees.

**LINDA**  
**This is the third doggy diaper business bought up by MomCorp since Mom's oldest son Walt took over shortly after her death, leading some to question whether or not MomCorp is in violation of bankruptcy legislation.**

NEWS VIDEO: Senator Al Franken's Head addresses a large crowd.

**AL FRANKEN'S HEAD**  
**Consumers rely on doggy diapers to keep their shoes free of puppy poopy and peepee, but a lack of competition in the industry harms consumers and drives up prices. That's why I vow to lead a Senate committee to bust up the MomCorp Mom-nopoly!**

A second "Breaking News" title card plays.

Morbo reports with a half-naked seductive picture of Walt over his right shoulder.

**MORBO**  
**We interrupt the breaking news that interrupted the news to bring you this breaking-ier news. In response to Senator Franken's threat to bust up MomCorp, new CEO Walt met with President Nixon to discuss terms of a settlement.**

NEW VIDEO: President Nixon and Walt at the White House.

**NIXON**  
**My fellow Earthicans, I am proud to announce that we have reached an agreement for MomCorp to pay off all of Earth's debt. For the first time in over one thousand years, we are officially debt free!**

**WALT**  
**Of course, this now means that MomCorp owns the planet... You're all fired. Pack up your things and be gone by end of business.**

PLANET EXPRESS LIVING AREA: The Planet Express Crew reacts in horror.

Nibbler, choking and turning blue, manages to lift himself up on the coffee table.

**NIBBLER**  
**(gasping) Help... me...**

Nibbler keels over.

INT. PLANET EXPRESS DOCKING BAY

Forlorn, the Planet Express crew loads all of their belongings into the ship.

**AMY**  
**This is so sad. How can MomCorp do this to us? Won't anyone speak up for the little guy?**

**LEELA**  
**Your parents own half of Mars.**

**AMY**  
**Oh, yeah.**

Hermes types away at an old fashioned calculator.

**HERMES**  
**What I don't understand is how anyone could afford to buy all of Earth. Even Walt couldn't have inherited that much money from Mom.**

**FARNSWORTH**  
**Well, I'm not going. This is where I've lived most of my life. This is my home and the only way I'm leaving is as a pile of ashes in a small piece of blue pottery with the superman symbol on the side, as per my expressly stated wishes in my will.**

**BENDER**  
**And I'm not going either. MomCorp thinks they can do whatever they want just because they're a big corporation and own the planet. But I'll tell you what they don't own...**

Bender opens his chest plate. Inside is Huey Lewis's head.

**BENDER**  
**Huey Lewis's head. Can you believe it? I picked it up on the last day of a tag sale. They were just going to throw it away if it didn't sell.**

**LEELA**  
**But Professor, how are you going to fight MomCorp? Walt owns the government and you've got one foot in the grave and the other on the superman symbol.**

**FARNSWORTH**  
**The hell I do.**

Farnsworth runs over to his Borg cube and presses a button. It transforms into a towering hybrid Optimus/Borg exoskeleton with him seated in the center.

**FRY**  
**(juggling torches)**  
**You stole Optimus Prime's body?**

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**I'm old, stealing bodies and body parts is what we do. He wasn't using it. Shut up. All of you were treating me like a crotchety old man, like I couldn't do anything for myself anymore. So, I set out to prove I'm just as independent as any of you.**

Farnsworth Prime locks and loads various machine guns, missile launchers, and generally huge ass guns.

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**Let's see how many baseballs those snot nosed little punks across the street lose on my lawn now.**

INT. MOM'S OFFICE

Walt, wearing the wig and an only slightly less feminine version of Mom's fat suit, sits at his enormous desk while watching a satellite image of all the ships evacuating Earth. Larry stands with him. On the other side of his desk is Bender, Fry, Leela, Amy, and Hermes.

**WALT**  
**So, that senile old man refuses to leave, huh?**

**BENDER**  
**That's right. And I, for one, am proud of him. It's about time someone stood up for the little guy and took on the faceless mega-conglomerate.**

**WALT**  
**What 'faceless'? My face is on the building.**

EXT. MOMCORP

Walt's face is on the building.

INT. MOM'S OFFICE

Walt points to things around the room.

**WALT**  
**It's also on the door, on the walls, on every product we make, our logo, this coffee mug, and your ass.**

Larry pulls out a stamp of Walt's face and stamps Bender's ass. Fry bends over and sees the impression over a previous impression of Mom's face.

**FRY**  
**That's his face, all right, handsome fool.**

**BENDER**  
**My point is, you have all this power and you need to start thinking about the consequences. You need to start caring about the little guy.**

Walt and Larry share a blank stare, then burst out laughing.

**WALT**  
**Let me tell you something about the little guy. I used to be the little guy, constantly being stepped on, told how I was no good to anyone, never allowed to do anything. It was like an endless nightmare, waking up every morning in someone's shadow, only to realize that all that waiting, all those "I love you mothers" and adoration and affection were just futile attempts at finding significance in a meaningless life through the acceptance of a cruel and selfish woman who refused to die. Well, it's my time now, and if you think I'm going to let that old man sit there and be a burden on me... girl, you must be crazy.**

**LARRY**  
**Must be crazy.**

EXT. PLANET EXPRESS – DAY

The entire DOOP army surrounds the Planet Express building. The entire spacefleet, including Zapp's flagship, are parked above it with their guns pointed down. The MomCorp Battleship is also there with guns at the ready.

Zapp sticks his head out the window of the flagship. He speaks into a bullhorn.

**ZAPP**  
**Attention, we have your ship surrounded. Lower your shields and prepare to be boarded.**

Kif sticks his head out.

**KIF**  
**Sir, that doesn't make any sense. That's a building, not a ship, and it doesn't have any shields.**

**ZAPP**  
**Hush, Kif. Don't you know I'm playing possum? And everyone knows possums don't know the difference between a ship and a building.**

Zapp makes possum noises.

**ZAPP**  
**Rrrarrpossum! Rrrarrrpossum!**

Kif sighs.

INT. PLANET EXPRESS LIVING AREA

Leela looks out the window. Next to her, Fry balances knives on his face.

**FRY**  
**So, how boned are we?**

**LEELA**  
**Pretty boned.**

Bender and Farnsworth Prime watch the news.

ON THE TELEVISION: The headline reads "Squatter Standoff 3013"

**MORBO**  
**It's day three of the squatter standoff, with puny human Hubert Farnsworth still refusing to leave the planet. No word yet on how negotiations are proceeding, but early Wall Street indicators point to this leading to a rise in oil costs for some reason.**

**LINDA**  
**As a totally unbiased newsperson with absolutely no agenda to speak of, I think I speak for all us here at Channel Root 2 News when I say, "Hubert Farnsworth is a communist who hates Earth, God, and babies." Thank you for watching Root 2 News, brought to you by our newest sponsor, MomCorp: "We own everything, bitches."**

Bender turns off the television.

**BENDER**  
**Even the news is against us. This is so unfair. No one stands up for the little guy while the mega-corporation and government-**

**HERMES**  
**Same thing.**

**BENDER**  
**-while the mega-corporation and government can do whatever it wants.**

**LEELA**  
**Okay, I've had just about enough of this "stand up for the little guy" nonsense. Ever since you killed Mom, you've been acting all self-righteous, but I'm not buying it. If you really cared about standing up for the little guy, you'd admit to the other robots that it was you who killed Mom so Zoidberg could come home... and then, you know... get kicked out of it by MomCorp.**

**BENDER**  
**I can't.**

**LEELA**  
**Why not?**

**BENDER**  
**Because... Don't you see? When Mom died, my whole world changed. It was like, suddenly, Zoidberg was the most famous person on the planet, getting credit for something I did, only I couldn't admit to it, because then everyone would want to kill me. When you're a little guy, and you kill a rich person, you become famous, but then they kill you and you can't even enjoy it. When you're already a rich person, and you kill or screw over a nobody, you get to live it up. And that's not fair. There should be the same rules for everybody, dammit.**

**FRY**  
**Aw, there's the Bender we all know and love.**

**AMY**  
**Well, that answers that question, but it doesn't get us out of this mess.**

**FRY**  
**If only we had access to someone really smart who could figure out a way to get us out of this. You know, someone with a lot of experience, who has seen a lot in their day, and maybe knows a bunch of things we young folk don't know.**

**LEELA**  
**Can't know, really, because we just haven't lived as much life as they have.**

**HERMES**  
**Yes, that's true. They might even have insight into what to do based on having been through a similar situation. Maybe someone with expert insight into major corporations, possibly from having worked for one themselves.**

**FRY**  
**You know, I can't even remember how we got ourselves into this mess. If only we knew someone.**

They all ponder how unfortunate it is they don't know someone like that. Meanwhile, Farnsworth Prime opens his mouth to say something.

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**I...**

**LEELA**  
**What is it? Do you have to go to the bathroom?**

**AMY**  
**Is it too cold in here? I can turn up the heat.**

**HERMES**  
**Are you looking for something? Your glasses? I'll find them.**

**FRY**  
**You look thirsty. Does he look thirsty to anyone? I'll get him some water.**

They all disperse, leaving Bender and Farnsworth Prime alone on the couch.

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**I hate everyone.**

Bender and Farnsworth Prime high five each other and sulk.


	3. Chapter 3

INT. REFRIGERATOR - DAY

Fry peers inside the refrigerator and pulls out the only thing left; a box of baking soda. He sniffs it and tastes a spoonful. He gags. He gags again. He gags some more. He bends out of view and vomits. We hear Nibbler run over and eat the vomit.

INT. DINING ROOM

Everyone, except Farnsworth Prime, is seated at the table as Fry enters.

**FRY**  
**Well, I fed Nibbler, but we're out of people food.**

Nibbler races in, foaming at the mouth, and smashes into a wall. He's out for the count.

**AMY**  
**What about the emergency rations the Professor keeps around in case of emergency?**

**FRY**  
**Zoidberg's not here, remember?**

**AMY**  
**Oh, right.**

The electricity goes out.

**HERMES**  
**Sweet sheep's head of... Sheepshead! The generator's out of fuel.**

**LEELA**  
**How is that possible? I thought it was solar powered.**

EXT. PLANET EXPRESS - DAY

The generator powers down as the shadow of a giant dog head is cast over the solar panels. We pull back to see Larry reaching his hand out a window of the MomCorp battleship casting a dog head shadow with his hand. He also makes a hawk using both hands.

**LARRY**  
**Caw! Caw!**

INT. DINING ROOM

Fry sees the shadow through the window.

**FRY**  
**Oh, great, we're totally surrounded, we've got nothing to eat or drink, no electricity, and now they have a giant bird. We're doomed.**

Bender inhales.

**BENDER**  
**Doooooooooooooooooo-**

Leela throws a brick at Bender to shut him up.

**LEELA**  
**This really Yoko's my Lennon. For the past few weeks, we've bent over backwards for the Professor and he has done nothing but yell at us and complain and turn us into wanted fugitives.**

**AMY**  
**Yeah, if it wasn't for the fact that we have to stay here and take care of him, when Walt took over Earth, I would have gone to Mars and mooched off of my parents.**

**BENDER**  
**We all could be mooching off of Amy's parents.**

**FRY**  
**I hate taking care of old people. It's a thankless job, and they're smelly, and gross. And what has the Professor ever done for me?**

**HERMES**  
**Other than feed and clothe you, afford you the opportunity to travel to the far reaches of space in his spaceship, and offer full time employment despite your gross inadequacies and lack of any qualifications or job related skills, for which I would have fired your ass long ago?**

**FRY**  
**Yeah.**

**HERMES**  
**Nothing, that's what.**

**ALL**  
**Yeah!**

**FARNSWORTH PRIME (O.S.)**  
**Is that really how you feel, Fry?**

They're all surprised to see Farnsworth Prime in the doorway.

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**Is that really how you all feel? I'm nothing more to you than a boss? Someone to sponge off of until the well runs dry and then the only thing keeping you here is the potential guilt you might feel if something were to happen to me on your watch?**

**FRY**  
**Well, don't you care about us? All you do is complain, but we stayed here, and now we're all going to starve to death or be arrested because of you, because you won't leave your home.**

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**No, we're all going to starve to death or be arrested because Mom's entitled bastard son thinks he can do whatever the hell he wants. And I'm not refusing to leave Earth because it's my home. I'm refusing to leave because it's our home. Because it's where I've lived most of my life and have my best memories with the people I care about... and also Leela.**

**LEELA**  
**Huh?**

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**But if you all feel that the only thing us old people have left to offer you is our sacrifice, then there's only one thing left for me to do.**

Farnsworth Prime stretches his robot arms out at his sides. Rockets from his feet ignite and send him flying up and crashing through the roof. The crew scatters to avoid falling debris.

EXT. PLANET EXPRESS – DAY

Farnsworth Prime lands on top of the roof. One of his arms hands transforms into a bullhorn. He addresses the battleships above.

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**All right, you sausage farmer, I'm ready to negotiate.**

A mini-wig platform carrying Walt and Larry detaches from the MomCorp ship. Zapp and Kif take a Scooty Puff Jr. down from the DOOP flagship. They all meet on the roof.

**WALT**  
**Negotiate? There won't be any negotiation, you crusty old crackpot. This is my planet. Mine, mine, mine! And I want you off of it. Now, now, now!**

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**Then you've left me with no choice but to do the last thing I ever thought I'd have to do.**

Farnsworth Prime clears his throat.

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**This is like that time I fell through that vortex in my lab and ended up in the Family Guy universe.**

INT. FAMILY GUY LIVING ROOM

All the Griffins, with Zoidberg as Meg, are sitting around the living room. Farnsworth Prime is also there and everyone is wearing ridiculous oversized hats.

**PETER GRIFFIN**  
**Uh, what's with the hats?**

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**How the hell should I know? This is your bit.**

Farnsworth Prime grabs Zoidberg.

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**I'm taking this.**

EXT. PLANET EXPRESS

Zoidberg is back, standing next to Farnsworth Prime on the roof.

**ZOIDBERG**  
**Hello.**

Nearby, on the ground, a robot notices Zoidberg.

**RANDOM ROBOT 1**  
**Look! It's the lobster that killed Mom! It's Zoidberg! I found him!**

A signal is sent out from the random robot's antenna.

EXT. EARTH – VARIOUS LOCATIONS

The signal reaches all the robots of Earth, including Killerbot 1 and Killerbot 5.

**KILLERBOT 1**  
**Kill Zoidberg!**

**KILLERBOT 5**  
**Death to Zoidberg!**

EXT. PLANET EXPRESS

Zapp and Kif look on in horror as hordes of angry robots converge on Planet Express. The police and DOOP soldiers try desperately to fight them off, but the hordes overwhelm them.

Farnsworth Prime launches a rocket at Walt and Larry's wig platform, destroying it and stranding them on the roof.

**WALT**  
**You crazy old man. Don't you know what you've done? Those robots will kill everyone to get to Zoidberg, including you!**

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**Yeah, probably.**

**KIF**  
**(to Walt)**  
**Can't you call them off? You built all the robots.**

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**No, MomCorp built all the robots, when Mom was CEO, and she had them programmed to respond only to her commands and never to her sons', because she didn't trust them. I know that because I worked for the old bag. Walt doesn't have any control over them at all.**

Down on the ground, the robots pillage the streets and overwhelm the authorities like World War Z zombies. They climb each other to climb the building.

The rest of the crew climbs out onto the roof.

**LEELA**  
**Oh my god, they're everywhere!**

**HERMES**  
**They're going to kill us all!**

**ZAPP**  
**Don't worry, this isn't the first time I've faced impossible odds on the battlefield. All we have to do is stick together and...**

Zapp's phone rings. He picks it up.

**ZAPP**  
**Hello? Yes. Uh-huh. Okay. Thank you.**

Zapp hangs up.

**ZAPP**  
**Well, we're out of here. Good luck, chumps.**

**WALT**  
**What? Where are you going? You have to protect me.**

**ZAPP**  
**Sorry. That was the bank. All of our paychecks bounced. We don't need this crap if we're not getting paid. Hasta-la-vama moose, suckers.**

Zapp and Kif ride away on the Scooty Puff Jr. All the DOOP soldiers are collected by the flagship and it flies off.

**BENDER**  
**You know, I've always dreamed about what it would be like to be part of the Robopocalypse, I just never imagined I'd be on the dead side of one.**

The robots get closer and closer and closer... Everyone huddles behind Farnsworth Prime for protection. He blasts a few robots to bits. Killerbot 1 reaches the roof. They're surrounded.

**KILLERBOT 1**  
**I've been waiting a long time for this, Zoidberg.**

Killerbot 1 and Killerbot 5 prepare to pounce when all of a sudden a great screech is heard from above. They all look up to see a giant bird flying down.

**FRY**  
**It's the giant war bird come to kill us all!**

Leela smacks Fry in the head. As the bird reaches the roof, we see that it's actually mechanical and that Igner, Mom's other son, is riding on its back.

**WALT**  
**Igner?**

Igner falls off and the mechanical bird transforms into Megatron – with Mom's head in a jar in the center! The robots halt their advance.

**EVERYONE**  
**Mom?!**

**LEELA**  
**She's been alive this whole time?!**

**MOMATRON**  
**Of course I'm alive, you blithering idiot. Thanks to Igner.**

**IGNER**  
**The pink lobster man told me to put Mommy's head in a jar. I finally found one at a tag sale, but I had to throw away the old head.**

Bender squints his eyes to see that Mom's jar reads "Huey Lewis" on the nameplate. He opens up his chest plate and pulls out his own Huey Lewis head.

**BENDER**  
**Oh, that's great. Someone out there's selling counterfeit Huey Lewis heads. So, who the hell is this?**

**HUEY LEWIS' HEAD**  
**I'm Dennis Hayden.**

**BENDER**  
**Who?**

**HUEY LEWIS' HEAD**  
**I was in Die Hard.**

**BENDER**  
**Ooooh, Die Hard.**

Everyone "ooohs" and "aaahs", very impressed. Bender puts him back inside his chest cavity.

**AMY**  
**I'm confused. If you've been alive this whole time, why didn't you say something?**

**MOMATRON**  
**Listen, my boy Igner may have saved my life, but I've Chan-slapped him upside the head so many times, his skull's about as soft as a grapefruit peel. By the time he got me stuffed in this jar right side up, Walt was already the world's leading pioneer in puppy poopy and peepee pampers. I was impressed. But then he had to go and screw it all up.**

**WALT**  
**Screw it up? I took over the whole planet.**

**MOMATRON**  
**But how did you do it?**

**HERMES**  
**That's what I want to know.**

Walt pulls out a black credit card.

**WALT**  
**With this!**

**MOMATRON**  
**As soon as they thought I had croaked, the credit card companies were on his ass like stank on a Kristen Stewart. You have any idea what kind of credit limit they give to billionaires? You bought all of Earth's debt and you thought that bought you the planet, but it didn't. It just put you into even more debt, and then you went and fired everyone and kicked everyone off the planet. That's your workforce and consumer base, you moron.**

She slaps him.

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**Real debt isn't something you can just pay off by putting it on another credit card. When you're in real debt, the only way it ever disappears is if you make sacrifices and pay it off, like I was willing to sacrifice my emergency rations, Zoidberg, in order to kick this jabroni's sorry ass all over New New York City.**

**LEELA**  
**You knew this was going to happen?**

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**Of course, I did. Some punk kid thinks he can rule the world, I knew it was only a matter of time before his mouth wrote a check his ass couldn't cash... or, in this case, his pen and bank account. All I had to do was wait him out.**

**WALT**  
**So, I don't own the world?**

**MOMATRON**  
**I'll be taking back the company, of course, and after Nixon and his cronies re-possess the planet, all you'll really own is the debt. Like all great Presidents before him, that old windbag manages to stay afloat by diverting attention away from his horrible economic policy and onto a deadly conflict that has nothing to do with him.**

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**And also by passing an ever-growing debt onto today's youth.**

Walt sulks. Mom bitch slaps him across the face.

**MOMATRON**  
**It's the Earthican way, dumbass! I am loving this new robotic slapping arm.**

Momatron collects her boys and flies away to her ship.

Killerbot 1 and Killerbot 5 approach Zoidberg.

**KILLERBOT 1**  
**I guess, since Mom's still alive, we don't have to kill you and eat you. We cool, money?**

Killerbot 1 holds up his fist. Zoidberg "pounds" it.

**ZOIDBERG**  
**Word, g-funk, we straight.**

The robots withdraw.

**KILLERBOT 5**  
**Aw, he was sweet.**

The crew approaches the Professor.

**LEELA**  
**Wow, Professor. Here we were whining and complaining about the heavy, tiresome, life-sucking burden of having to take care of you, and it was you who was taking care of us the whole time.**

**FRY**  
**We're sorry.**

**AMY**  
**Yeah.**

**HERMES**  
**Really sorry.**

**FRY**  
**Is there anything we can do to make it up to you?**

Farnsworth Prime thinks a moment then notices Bender, who is off sulking in the corner. Farnsworth Prime walks over and stands next to him.

**BENDER**  
**It's always going to be like this, isn't it, Professor? The little guy is always going to get screwed by the big guy. The young are always going to be oblivious and believe only their lives are important. And the old are always going to be smarter than everyone else, but too decrepit to do anything about it.**

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**I should say so, yes.**

**BENDER**  
**What does one cling to in a world that is so unfair?**

Farnsworth Prime looks at his robot body.

**FARNSWORTH PRIME**  
**Well, we're robots. That's pretty damned cool.**

Bender smiles.

**BENDER**  
**You're right. That is pretty damned cool.**

They high five.

- The End.


End file.
